I can't sleep, but I feel sleepy. I haven't posted in a while, huh.
I am feeling like:
Ever since we started the adoption I have felt a sense of vulnerability come over me. It is scary sometimes to have such a personal experience be so public. It is hard for me not to just pour every thought and feeling onto the page of this blog so I simply avoid. Trying to keep things to myself. Leaving some silly picture up for you to watch. But, I can't help but feel exposed...
Yes, we are adopting. Yes, it has been a long road. I remember thinking something was wrong with my body when I fainted in my social studies class. I had been bleeding for a couple of weeks and was hiding it from my mother. At 14 I didn't want to think anything was wrong. I spent the rest of my adolescence knowing that something was wrong. I remember telling Ryan before we married that I didn't think I could have children; that he should think before he marry me. I love him. He married me...broken. For three years the thought of having children disappeared into blissful marriage. I didn't have a moment to worry. It was so nice. That is when we started trying. 5 years have passed and we are still blissful. I am thankful.
I let the word "Infertility" sink in. Infertility. I had been in pain for a while and couldn't bare it. After some surgery, hormones, and trying some more it was finally real. It is real. Sometimes, I mourn. I get this ache, maybe a longing - I am not sure - on those days it is hard. God is so good. He gets me through those days........those days. Yes, through those days -because He has given me such hope. We are adopting. We are having a baby boy. He comes to us through a selfless mother who trusts us to care and love him.
I am humbled. My heart is exposed. I don't feel ready for such a blessing and here is where my thoughts cease. "For thou art my hope, O Lord God: thou art my trust..."
7 comments:
ok, so i worked all last night without a babysitter for today and I am a little emotional, but you are making me CRY. I am so excited for you to have that little boy, he will fill a void, replace a longing and you will have such blissful joy to watch him grow. Soak and relish every moment before and after because life slips by SO fast with little ones, although in a good way, it does tear at your heart strings. You can call me ANYTIME! I love feelings about motherhood! Juliana, you are not broken, just imperfect as we all are, seeking this life to find immortality and perfection through Christ.
Your post was truly written beautifully. Thank you for sharing such a personal subject. I'm so excited for you guys and pray that all goes smoothly!
Juls-I love your post. It is so personal! We have seen what you have gone through for year and we are sooo excited for you and Ryan. Heavenly Father is going to bless you with this beautiful boy -straight from Him!! I know you both will be fantastic parents and that nobody deserves a little baby more than you guys. I can't wait to meet him soon and will continue to pray for your family.
You have been on my mind constantly for the last few months. I am truly happy and so excited for you and Ryan to start this new journey in life. It will be amazing and hard and one of the best things you will ever do. You have so much courage and strength and I am inspired by your ability to keep moving forward despite the difficulties you have faced. We all have our trials, and it is true when they say we must have picked which ones we could handle. I am looking forward to more updates when the big day comes. I love you lots Jules!
I love you. I am happy to know that you are having a baby at long last! I know your son will thrive with you as his mom. I am excited for you to meet him!
... we are all broken in some way... you are a success despite what you percieve as a flaw, and it has only made you stronger.
I continue to keep you in my prayers.
Jess
Good luck Juliana! What an exciting/crazy/uncertain time for you though. I think, even with adoption, that you will always have some sadness over infertility, because it is a loss. I can understand not wanting to put too much out there as well. For one thing, you never know how things will work out, so there's the hope that eventually things will. But it's balanced by the cautious reality that maybe it won't, which is hard and sad and painful.
Thanks for sharing, and we're keeping our fingers crossed for you no matter what happens!
I've just stumbled on this post and I was tearing up while reading it. I have PCOS and it will be extremely hard for me to have a baby. I am so just so happy that you and Ryan are adopting and your son is blessed to have you as parents!hugs
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