Well, Ryan is out of town and I am totally exhausted. Something that I have noticed is that inspiration gets sucked out of me the more tired I feel...so funny that I am posting. So my future plans are to ....wait for the excitement....shower, do my hair, pack my work out bags, watch a movie, fall asleep, have a funky dream, get up, go to work, go to the doctors...Speaking of doctors I have this weird bubble in my belly button that keeps growing. I only wish that was a metaphor for being pregnant but it is not. I have a bubble in my belly button - yuck AND I am getting a cold. So after I go to the doctor I plan on coughing all over every one as I stand in line for the Midnight Premier of Twilight...(I am too obsessed, I know I have a problem). I only hope I can stay awake for the movie.
On another note. I just realized how random this post is. If you are still reading good for you. I thought that I would just say how hard it is to portray yourself through writing and pictures. As part of our adoption process Ryan and I have had to literally try to sell ourselves in paragraphs and photos. I worry that a birth mom will read and think all the horrible thoughts about me that I try not to believe myself. I worry that they wont know how much Ryan and I love one another, how our baby room is just missing some diapers, clothes, and a crib. How, while I maybe superficial and ditzy, I am curious in nature, intelligent, hard working, and compassionate. How every time Ryan and I look at a parent with a child we look at one another and hear a "ping" or our hearts longing to give our home and lives to a child. Why haven't I blogged as much these past months...because I feel like the pursuit of a baby is the only thing that wants to come out. When I do try to write I think "oh I'll post about my how my big toe nail" (which has turned purple since my marathon) and all that comes out is adoption thoughts. Seriously I am enveloped by my feelings - loss, hope, faith, love, fear, hope, and longing all the time.
You know what I want to say....Birthmom - I can't imagine the pain of placing your child in the arms of another person. The fear of wondering if they will love and protect it. The hurt of not being ready for your baby. I can't promise that I am perfect - I am not. I just ask that you think of adoption, that you think of me and Ryan, ahhh...this is a weird blog. I am feeling vulnerable so I'll stop. My future plans are to take a shower, say a prayer and trust in the Lord.
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You might enjoy this blog http://therhouse.blogspot.com/
This is the wife of a high school friend of mine. And ironically enough, he works for LDS Family Services. She is a serious adoption advocate and I wonder how she manages to do everything else when it appears she is sooo involved with adoption education. She posts wonderful things and shares her feelings on adoption. She has quite the following...so it seems like a great adoption 'network' of sorts. They just had a second boy placed with them. Thought I would pass it along...
Have fun at the Twilight premiere!! You are hard core...
It's hard for me to connect with your feelings because I have never felt them. I can't say "I'm sorry" or "I know how you feel" because I don't. But I want you to know that I pray for you and Ryan to have the joy that a child brings into your home. I pray for your nursery to be filled with diapers, with burp rags and blankets, but more importantly with a sweet little spirit sleeping peacefully in a crib. You and Ryan will be wonderful parents and any child will be blessed to have such a home. Keep on girl. Keep on.
Have so much fun at the Twilight movie, I am so jealous right now!! You'll have to let me know what you think of it! That is one thing I am totally bummed about missing this weekend! I cant imagine what you've gone through but I know you guys will be amazing parents and I know that your children will be incredibly blessed because of who you are and the home that you will give them.
Love ya-
Sometimes in life I just wish that I could have what I wanted when I wanted it most. But time and time again the Lord makes me wait, so I can learn patience and remember to be dependent upon Him. I have not been given the same trial in my life, but I do know that the Lord knows your heart and your sincere desires and He will bless you with those things when the time is right. Here is one of my favorite scriptures: D&C 58:2-6
Hang in there. And enjoy the midnight showing of Twilight! I wish I could go...but I don't have anyone to stay here that late with the little turkeys. Love you Jules!
Dear Juls,
I understand (to some extent) the anxiety you feel about how your blog portrays you as a mom. I've felt that way with Prop 8 and being LDS. Will people see my faults and use them to negatively portray the church?! Every little mistake I make, is that chasing one more person away from the joy of knowing the gospel? It's so stressful. And I can only imagine that thinking each of your blog posts effects your chances of being a parent.
What I'm going to say is WAY easier said then done...breath. Place faith in the Lord that it will happen when it's supposed to. And know that you and Ryan really do look like a wonderful couple who any birth mother would be more than thrilled if they could place their child with you. (And not just look like, you ARE!) Try to find what the Lord has planned for you and follow that.
And when you figure out how to do the above advice...call me! Teach me how! This is what I've been going through lately and I know with my head I need to do this, but I can't convince my heart and my body! Arg!
I've kept you and RD in my prayers!
I love you so much. So SO much.
The time will come, I promise you that... The time of neverending changing the diapers, sleepless nights, doctors visits, being exhausted, praying for the strength to NOT strangle your child when you had enough, cleaning up poo that is smashed ALL over the walls etc., listening to constant "No, no, no" from your child that is getting so independent...
I know how hard it is to wait for something that our hearts are longing so much (I've never been there with the child longing) but I KNOW the feeling SO well and I can totally relate to that...
I don't know why it is that we have to wait without seeing things in advance and have to hurt but I know for sure there's some wisdom in that and purpose and soon enough you'll be able to see that, but for now, try to be happy and enjoy your midnight movie premieres without worrying who's going to watch your little one, enjoy your marathons, outings with Ryan and remember that you have friends who love you so so much and that you're always in their prayers and fasts...
such a delicate confession. you are in my prayers.
Hey, do you have a hernia in your little belly button?
Also, you guys will make great parents! We are excited for you and know that when that mother finds you she will be so comforted to know she can trust her little one to you!
aaaw...this post touched me so much!
You WILL get your little bundle of joy because you and Ryan are great persons and God is great!
wishing you all the best and my thoughts are with you :)
You are in our prayers. We love you both!
You are a brave one, my friend. The way you are feeling about things seem totally normal to me. I appreciate your openness on this subject quite a bit.
I really enjoyed reading your blog - so raw with emotion. That makes you human! I pray for you, too, to be blessed with a baby. Soon...I can't imagine trying to portray yourself to birthparents. You will be great parents and you guys ooze the kind of spirit that I would Love my kids to be around! I wish we were closer geographically.
I can only say that you will be the most wonderful mother and that your day will come when you will have a sweet little baby in your arms! I just know it!
Hey J
Long time no see - but just know we're keeping you guys in our prayers. Let us know how things progress, and please stop by our place in Wyoming if you guys do any road tripping out this way next summer.
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